Simply Love

Today the choir I sing in sung for a Unitarian Universalist service. The service was on Holly Near. Holly Near is an American singer-songwriter, actress, teacher and most importantly, social change activist. We sang several Holly Near songs including “I Am Willing” (I have a solo), “The Great Peace March”, “All That There Is”, and “Simply Love”. The words to “Simply Love” are as follows:

Why does my love make you shift restless in your chair
And leave you in despair
It’s simply love – my love for a woman

It’s a simple hand on a warm face to say
A glance to see if love is still ok
A glow at dawn when love is still there
Tears and strong arms at the end of the day
And simply love – my love for a woman

It’s the laughter as the kids clown
And tease our weary thoughts away
It’s looking ’round the table
And knowing hard work fed us one more day
And simply love – my love for a woman

Why does my love make you shift in your chair
It’s the bombs across the border
That should make you tear your hair
And yet it’s my love leaves you screaming out your nightmare

Perhaps you know there’s something you should fear
If my love makes me strong and makes
you disappear
It’s simply love – my love for a woman

When we sung “Simply Love” in our Spring Concert last year, I had a speaking part as part of the introduction before the song was sung. I talked about my marriage to my wife and how it’s not only not recognized legally where I live, but was also not supported by all of my friends and family. Several months ago I gave this introduction in the city I was born and raised. This was shortly after I was married. Of course, being in my hometown made me think about my mother who does not support my marriage or the thought of me being a lesbian and before we could get through the song, I was in tears.

Well today I felt that same deep moving and was unable to get through the song without crying. The words are beautiful, and the song is beautiful. Every time we sing the song, it makes me think of my mother who I haven’t talked to in over a year now and people in the world who want to judge me because of the person that I love.

My mother and I use to be close, very close. We would talk everyday and we would talk about everything. After I came out, we did not talk for almost a year. Eventually we started talking again, but she was short and distant. She never would call me; I would always have to call her. If my wife’s name (girlfriend at the time) ever came up she would shut down, and basically the conversation would be over. Eventually I got tired of being the one that always had to do the calling. I got tired of her shortness. I got tired of her being evil. I got tired of the uneasiness of our conversations. So, on January 1, 2009 I stopped calling her. I stopped subjecting myself to her shortness. I stopped subjecting myself to her evilness and the uneasiness of our conversations. When I stopped calling, we stopped talking because she refused to call. I am her oldest daughter (she has 1 other daughter) and she has yet to pick up the phone and call me.

Recently my wife and I have been talking more and more about having kids. It’s sad to think that a child that I birth will have no interaction with their biological grandmother.

I’d be remised if I didn’t however mention my father who has been more supportive than I could have ever imagined. He was not only at my wedding; he walked me down the aisle. He has tried to get my mother to come around, but to no avail.

So when we sing “Simply Love” I honestly wonder why my love for a woman makes my mother shift restless in her chair? I can’t fathom while people are so concerned about my marriage when we are in not one, but two wars? I am in a healthy happy relationship with a wonderful woman. She is one of the kindest people I know. Sadly, my mother hasn’t even tried to get to know her. She doesn’t know what a wonderful person I have in my life.

The service today was good and gave me a lot to think about. Thank you to Holly Near for all of the social justice work she has done and continues to do and thank you to my wife, my family and friends who support me and “Simply Love”.

A much needed work venting!

(This was written at work on 3/11/10)

So I’m at work and I’m supposed to be working on an article about one of my students that needs to be submitted (tomorrow) for our state’s student journal.  About 20 minutes ago, I completed the article (or so I thought), printed it and asked my Administrative Assistant to read over it.  She reads it, comes into my office and tells me she thinks it’s a good article if it were for a publication, but she was under the impression it was for Washington D.C. legislators (we are a federally funded grant program) and therefore it needs more.  She goes on to say that as a Director, I should be able to articulate the impact & importance of a program like ours on our students.

I’m trying to take into account that I am feeling very blah today, but as you can probably guess, I have A LOT of issues with this conversation.  First, this is not the first time I have felt like she is talking down to me.  Her issue (my opinion) is we have 3 staff members; me, her, and one guy.  The guy and I are both younger than her (by at least 20 years), and we have more academic schooling than her (I have a Master’s, he’ll be done with his Master’s in June and I think she’s maybe taken a few college courses).  While this is not an issue for me or the guy, it’s clearly an issue for her.  I think, in her past, someone (or some ones) more educated than her has made her feel less than so she has internalized it by thinking that people more educated than her, think they’re better than her.  So, when she talks to me her tone can be condescending and sometimes say “educated folks think you’re smarter than me, but you’re not.  You really know nothing.”  She enjoys pointing out when “as a Director”; I should do something, should already know something or should have done something different.

My next issue is that I have been in this position for 7 months.  While I understand I can’t use “I’m new” forever, it does apply in this scenario.  I have interacted with the student I’m writing the article about maybe 3-4 times.  While I can certainly tell he’s dedicated to the Program, to say that I know him well would be a far stretch of the imagination.  So, in order to prepare for the article, I emailed the questions to him and asked my co-worker for some descriptive language about him and his connection with the Program.  The only thing she added was the name of another group he’s in, the big positive influence the previous director had on him, and she told me I should call the mom of another student I also wanted to write about so I can see how the Program impacts a low-income single parent.  Now, while I’m sure this other mom will have lots of good information to add, unless I hear back from her daughter, it won’t matter because I can’t do the article.  And if my co-worker thinks it’s so critical to include this parental perspective, then why didn’t she give me hers?!  She to fits into the same category as the parent she suggested and she has one student in the Program and another one that just graduated last year!  So, she gives all this wonderful advice to me, but doesn’t give me the descriptive words for the student or how he’s been impacted, which is what I asked her for, and which is what would have made the article more impactful, the way she thought it should be.

Not sure how much more of this I can take!  To be honest, most days at work, I’m bored.  The other issue is, there are sooo many little things I probably should know, but don’t and she makes the situation hell.  I can’t refer to the old Director anymore because I am 99.9% sure my co-worker is telling her how incompetent I am and I don’t need to be a part of that.  I want out!  I know this is not for me.  I am (trying) to be patient and do the best I can do until my true calling comes along!

Hope Springs (part I)

Today (3/4/10), and the next three days are dedicated to the work of Hope Springs Institute.  Several months ago, I was asked if I might be interested in serving on their board of directors.  After doing a little research on what they were about, I decided I had an interest and decided to apply.  After submitting my resume and a bio, a vote was taken, and I am now an official board member of Hope Springs.

The thing that most drew me to this place that I had never visited was its mission.  The mission is
“To Provide Sacred Space for Feminist Education, Responsible Green Living and Transformational Work
In the Service of Healthy Relationship with Planet Earth, Global Peace, Social Justice and Equality, and Personal Development”

The mission seemed to speak to a part of me that has gone from a quiet whisper to a more gradual, louder whisper.  I’m drawn to the idea of feminist education.  I’m drawn to the idea of social justice and equality.  I’m drawn to the idea of personal development.  I am even starting to hear the whispers of working on responsible green living.  On the car ride here, we were discussing our signs and I was talking about (the joys of) being a Gemini.  I’ve found that here lately, I am really struggling with my twin (yes, twins, not triplets, or any other higher multiple!) personalities in terms of figuring out my career path.  For the most part, I’ve always worked with students, and in or around education.  Here lately, there has been a yearning for more work in the area of diversity, social justice, LGBTQ issues, etc.  I’ve toyed and am still toying with the idea of going back to school.  The issue (money & time) has really been, go back to school and study what?  Of course part of me wants to continue my studies in education, but another part of me (a part I feel like may be growing) wants to study diversity and social justice issues.  I think MUSE (choir I sing in) helped to spark that fire, and I think Hope Springs will continue to fan the fire. 

I am so excited about the work that is going to come with my commitment to Hope Springs.  Tonight we were sitting around a fire watching it slowly burn.  Afterwards, people were free to share what was on their heart.   I kept thinking that as excited as I am about my work with this place, I do have some apprehension.  I am going to soak up all of this wonderful work in this space, but what happens when I return back home?  At first I thought, this is just what I need to help nurture my other twin, but now I think that what this will force me to do is really take a harder look my career, my career path and whether or not, this is really where I want to be.  I must admit I’m scared to have to take a long hard look in the mirror and figure out what I see, and what I’d like to see because I don’t think they will match.  I know that the work I do is good and needed, but I don’t think it’s fulfilling for me.  I guess before it has sounded selfish to verbalize that, but I’m beginning to see that it’s not selfish.  It’s where I am and it’s something I have to work through.

Stick a needle in me……..I’m done!

Week before last I had a bad pinched nerve in my right arm.  It hurt so bad, I was ready to rip my arm from my shoulder!  At first I thought it was just a pulled muscle.  The more my wife and I talked about it, the more she realized it was probably a pinched nerve.  I figured, I probably got it from the way my mouse is situated on my desk at work. 

I called my doctor, and she suggested Advil and physical therapy.  I knew that physical therapy would take up way to much of my time, so I called back.  I told the nurse “I know I’l probably regret asking this, but will acupuncture help my pinched nerve?”  She told me that acupuncture can help almost anything, including a pinched nerve.  Unfortuntely she did’t have any appointments left for that day, so I had to suffer through the weekend, plus Monday (holiday). 

Tuesday morning came and I asked my wife if she was going with me (we both had snow days).  She said no.  I kept asking.  Finally I told her I was scared and wanted her to be there with me.  She said she’d go with me (she also said all I had to do was tell her I was scared from the start!).

My doctor is a great mix of traditional medicine and holisitic medicine.  I’ve been seeing her for several years, and am very comfortable with her.  She could tell I was nervous, and she kept reminding me to breathe.  She had me take off my shirt, my (knee) socks, and my (knee) boots.  I arrived thinking the pain was in my arm, so the needles would only be put in my arm.  Little did I know they would be in my head, my neck, my hands, and my feet!!  I ended up with over 20 needles in my body.

After about 20-30 minutes of the needles and a little electroshock therapy, it was over.  The doctor warned me that I might have some sore spots from a few of the needles and that I would be a little off kilter.  The needles that hurt the most were the ones if my feet and one that was in my right hand.  The ones in my head actually didn’t bother me.  The doctor sad they would feel like bobby pins going into my head- and she was right!   When I sat up I did feel off kilter, and actually felt that way for a few hours after my acupuncture. 

 I am happy to report that the pain was soon to go away.  I haven’t been to physical therapy yet, and I’m hoping I won’t have to go.  I might actually go back for some more acupuncture.  Who knew the needle-phobe would become an acupuncture gal!